Just in Love
by fancynewbeesly
Summary: The story of Jim and Pam, through multiple points of view.
1. Chapter 1

The loud and exciting noises of the flashy casino night seemed so far away now. As Pam drove down the last few blocks to her and Roy's apartment, the last possible thing on her mind could have been Michael's latest antics at his failed attempt at a charity benefit. There was no way she could think about that now.

As the evening's events were slowly catching up to her, Pam felt her breath catch and it was all she could do not to faint right there in the driver's seat. Realizing that driving was probably the worst possible idea at the moment, she stopped the car on the side of the road, and opened the window, letting the cool night air sting her face. She needed to think. As Pam let her thoughts drift, her mind went back to what had happened a mere two hours ago. Heart racing, she recalled the night's events…

***

"_I'm in love with you." It seemed so spontaneous, the way he said it, like he hadn't planned it at all._

_Shocked, Pam was speechless. Her heart skipped a beat, and she had no idea what to do… or say. Stupidly, she replied, "What?"_

_Jim spoke. "I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I need you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just…"_

_Suddenly, she was angry. How dare he put her in this position? How could he do this to her, make her choose? "What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?"_

_He wasn't defensive, only gentle, which just made this harder for Pam to deal with. He pleaded to her with his eyes. "I just needed you to know. Once."_

_Again, no words formed in her mouth. The only thing she could think to say was, "Well, I… um… I can't." _

_Jim looked down, defeated. It seemed inevitable; they both knew this was going to happen eventually, and they both knew exactly how it would end._ Come on, idiot, say something,_ Pam thought to herself. "You have no idea—"_

_"Don't do that," he interrupted._

_"--how much your friendship means to me," she finished. Automatically, Pam regretted saying this. How could she be turning him down, when all she could think of for the past months was kissing him, touching every part of him… loving him._

_"C'mon. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that." Pam may have been imaging it, but she thought she saw Jim's beautiful green eyes start to tear up. _

_As much as she ached to tell him she felt the same way, Pam fought it. _Think of Roy. Think of the man you love. The man you're going to marry. "_I can't. I'm really sorry… if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault." She hated herself at the moment. She hated that she had led Jim on, had let him become this sad and desperate person who could only be happy if he was with her. She hated that she wanted to dry his tears and kiss him all over. She hated that he wasn't saying anything._

_Eventually, Jim broke the silence. "Not your fault. Sorry I misinterpreted our friendship." And with a final, poignant glance at her, he walked away._

This could not be happening to her. _You are getting married, Pam._ Suddenly, she was shaking. How could she go home and face Roy, after what she had done? _I am a terrible, terrible person,_ she mentally scolded herself. As if Jim's confession hadn't been enough, what had occurred after was what Pam was so distraught about. Although she tried with all her might not to think about it… Oh who was she kidding? She had loved it. She'd loved every glorious second of that amazing kiss.

***

_In a daze, Pam was frozen in the spot where Jim had left her in the empty parking lot. She was getting cold, and decided, if anything, she had better go inside. Having no inclination of facing her fellow co-workers, she walked into the Scranton Business Park, where no one would possibly be at this time of night. _

_Pam needed to talk to someone. She felt so damn alone. Whenever she needed to vent, her obvious choice was J… but she couldn't think about that now. The only other person that came to mind was her mom. Pam's mother had always been there for her, never judging, and always giving good advice. Seeing that it was her only option, Pam climbed the stairs up to the Dunder Mifflin office and opened the door. She walked over to Jim's phone and dialed her mother's number. Ringing the phone cord between her hands, she waited impatiently for her mom to pick up._

_"Hello?"_

_Thank goodness. "Mom?" And with tears streaming down her face, she told her mother the whole story. Not once did Pam's mother interrupt. When Pam finished, she said, "Well, did you tell him how you feel?"_

_"No, I didn't know what to say."_

_"Do you think anything's going to happen between you two?" _

_Honestly, Pam didn't know. "Um, I don't know, Mom. He's my best friend."_

_And then she asked the question that Pam had been asking herself so many times. "Are you in love with him?" The question that she had for so long tried to avoid. But it was time to stop playing games. _

_Voice cracking, Pam finally admitted what she had been holding back. "Yes, I think I am." _

_Before her mother could say anything else, Pam heard someone come into the office. She jumped, and when she looked up, her heart dropped into her stomach and her pulse quickened. It was Jim. "Um, I have to go. I'll talk to you later," she told her mom. Without waiting for a response, she hung up the phone. Facing Jim, she was once again frozen. _

_He hesitated for a second, and then got a look of determination in his eyes._ _When he walked up to her, she was expecting him to tell her off, maybe confess his love again, say more of those beautiful words that came out of his beautiful mouth. But he did the one thing that she did not expect. _

_He automatically puts his arms around her, embracing her in a way that nobody ever had, as if she were the only important thing in the world. Without hesitation, he kissed her passionately. It took her a second, but she realized that she wanted this too. She hesitantly kissed him back, but then all sense left her and the world was forgotten. All that mattered was Jim, and this kiss. She slowly raised her arms and held his shoulders, then tightly grasped them around his neck, putting her fingers through his hair. They seemed to sway back and forth, moving together as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The kiss may have lasted several minutes… or several seconds… there was no way of knowing. All she knew was that it was like no other feeling when they were in each other's embrace. And she also knew that when it ended, she was only begging for more._

_As he leaned in again, the real Pam came back. "Jim," she stopped him. A conversation may have ensued; she could not have been sure. All she could focus on was the emerald green abyss that was Jim's eyes. And he asked her what she never wanted to hear._

_"You're really going to marry him, aren't you?"_

_She nodded. Though her insides screamed the opposite of what she was saying, Pam had to do what was right._

_"Okay," he said. And for the second time that night, she had lost Jim forever._


	2. Chapter 2

She couldn't seem to get the key into the lock, with her hands shaking so badly. Pam took a deep breath, collected her thoughts, and tried again. This time, she got the key in and opened the door.

As she laid her purse and coat on the table, Pam heard rustling in the bedroom.

"Hey, Pam, is that you?" Roy shouted.

"Y-yeah, it's me." She couldn't do this. She couldn't face him. After what she had done, it just seemed so unfair to Roy.

A few hours ago, her life was so perfect. She was on track: getting married to the man of her dreams, having a best friend who only wanted what was best for her… But that had all changed, well, when Jim changed. _It was his last chance, _Pam thought to herself as she moved about the apartment, cleaning up the usual mess that Roy had made.

God, nothing was making sense anymore. Pam sat down on the couch, staring straight ahead. Being nothing new to her, Roy did not ask about how the rest of Casino Night went, nor did he even come out of the bedroom to greet her. There were so many things wrong with what she and Roy had. The truth was, she had always felt just a little out of place with him, like there was something wrong, but she could never quite figure out what it was. When their relationship had first begun, he had been the most romantic, the most amazing and thoughtful guy she had ever met. But as the years went by, Roy had seemed to take advantage of their relationship, had cast her aside, and often left her lonely. It seemed to him like second nature to have Pam by his side. Before Jim came along, these little tweaks in their relationship didn't really bother her, but lately, Roy's faults seemed to be much more accentuated. He didn't appreciate her, never did anything romantic for her… _Stop complaining, Pam_. Long ago, Pam had promised herself she wouldn't be one of those whiny girlfriends—now fiancée—that got annoyed because Roy didn't pay any attention to her. Often times Pam seriously thought about leaving Roy, when things got too out of hand, but she could never actually go through with it. The truth was that Pam never really took risks. She was not the brave girl in the movies that always gets her happy ending by doing the one thing she thought she'd never do. Being with Roy was like falling into a habit. Once you've made it your routine, it becomes so natural that you ignore the little details, and, eventually, it becomes too hard to get out of. Maybe she was fooling herself into believing that what she had with Roy was still what it had been back in high school.

Roy's bellowing broke Pam out of her reverie. "Hey, Pam, what did you do with my socks?"

_As usual,_ Pam thought. Rolling her eyes, she hollered back, "Did you check the cabinet?"

"Yeah, I can't find them."

_Of course he couldn't find them_, Pam thought angrily. _And of course he's putting the blame on me._ He could never find anything after he threw it in that pile in their room. Pam didn't even bother cleaning it up anymore, because it would just grow back again in the next week, like weeds in a garden. Why couldn't he just be a little more damn responsible when it came to things like this? She had no idea why this suddenly bothered her so much, but she was becoming more infuriated by the second. And then, something happened to her. The wall that had been holding back everything that she was thinking finally broke down. She knew what she had to do.

Rising from the couch, a sudden sense of determination came over her. The old Pam Beesley was gone, and the blindfold, lifted.

She marched into the bedroom, arriving to see that Roy had turned the room inside out, still in his Dunder Mifflin warehouse uniform. He was lying on his stomach searching under the bed for those stupid socks.

"I don't know where they went," Pam said.

Thinking she meant the socks, Roy replied, disgruntled, "Whatever. I'll just wear a dirty pair."

"No, Roy." Her voice was rough, but not shaky. She was a girl with a purpose. "Not the socks. Forget about the damn socks. I'm talking about them. Us. Roy and Pam. Where did we go?"

He looked at her, confused. "Pammy, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Dammit, don't call me that." She hated that nickname, but had never bothered to tell him. "We're different people, Roy. We're not the same people we were eight years ago."

Roy had no idea what she was talking about. He got up from his position searching under the bed. "Are you feeling okay?"

"No, in fact I am not feeling well. Don't you see, Roy? Don't you feel different?"

He was starting to catch on. Hesitantly, he replied, "Pam, what are you saying?"

"I can't do this anymore. I can't lie to myself and say that we're still in love with each other. It's… it's over, Roy." She was not crying. Though she was generally the type to cry in these situations, no tears formed at her eyes.

Roy was completely in shock. He came closer to her. "I-I w-wh-what?

"It's over," she stated again, with a clear, steady voice.

He was shaking his head. "Pam, come on. You're joking, right? It's been eight years. Eight years! We've been through so much. Pam, I love y—"

"No," she interrupted him, closing her eyes. "No," she whispered again, "don't say that. You're only lying to yourself Roy. We're not the same people. We want different things."

"Is this because I left early tonight? Is that it? Please don't tell me that's it!"

Typical Roy, not knowing what he had done wrong. "God, no, of course not. There are so many reasons. It's just… I can't… I just can't."

And then the Roy she knew so well took over. Anger came over him. "Are you kidding me, Pam? After eight years, after I proposed to you, and you said YES?!" He was yelling now. He grabbed a tiny statue that they had gotten on their vacation that seemed so long ago. With an angry yell, he threw it at the wall, shattering it into thousands of tiny pieces. Pam jumped, but didn't mind. She never really liked that thing anyway.

"I have done nothing but love you for the past eight years, and this is how you repay me?!?" he shouted at her.

Looking at him, stone-faced, Pam said what seemed to truly break him. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

The anger left his face. She could see that tears were shaping in his eyes. She hated herself for this stupid power she had to make the people she cared about cry.

Roy grabbed her hands. "What did I do? Tell me what I did, and I promise I'll never do it again. I'll change. I'll be whatever you want me to be. Just… please." He was begging now.

"It's not what you did, Roy. It's not even what I did. It's who we are. You'd be lying to yourself and to me if you said that we still have what we had in high school. I can't pretend anymore. This can't continue. I'm so sorry." She began to walk out of the bedroom but Roy caught her arm.

"Pam, Pam please. Don't do this to me. There's got to be some way we can work this out. We'll go on a vacation. We'll leave everything behind and just be together. Just us, huh? How does that sound? We can fall in love all over again. Just please, don't… don't leave." The tears were pouring down his face now.

"I'm so sorry. I can't." It seemed like that was her favorite heart-breaking line lately.

She looked at him one last time, into those dull brown eyes that she had stared into every day for longer than she could remember. He was no longer that guy. And she was no longer that girl. And for the first time in a long time, there was no doubt in Pam Beesly's mind.

"Goodbye, Roy." It truly was over.


	3. Chapter 3

Deep breaths, Pam. You can do this.

She could do this. She would do this. But, as Pam stood outside the door to the Dunder Mifflin office she knew so well, it was all she could do not to lose her breakfast. It had been an entire weekend since Jim had confessed his love to her, and then returned with that breathtaking kiss that still made Pam a little woozy. It had also been a weekend since Pam had officially ended things with Roy.

Friday's occurrences had been almost too much for Pam to handle. But she had the weekend to cry her tears, even though she felt them rushing back again as she took an unhurried pace toward a door she did not want to enter.

After Pam had left Roy that night, she went straight to her mother's house, the only place she knew to go. Being who she was, Pam's mom didn't ask too many questions, only kept a concerned look on her face every time she glanced at her. It was all Pam could do not to scream. Then, on Saturday, when she knew for sure that Roy would be out, Pam went back to their—well, now it was his—apartment and gathered all her things, quickly rushing with a paranoia that Roy would come back any moment. But, she was in luck, and he didn't come home, so she packed her belongings, left Roy a concise, but sincere note, and placed the key on top on the letter. The entire time, she was crying.

She couldn't explain it. Leaving Roy on an impulse like that… it just wasn't something that Pam did, well, ever. She didn't doubt herself. In fact, she was proud of how she stood up to him, as it was one of the rare times in their relationship where she actually took a stand. But, as soon as she had left the apartment that Friday night, the worry, anxiety, and paranoia that all came with taking risks kicked in. Where would she go? What would she do? Would she truly be alone for the rest of her life? These questions had dogged her all weekend. And then, Monday came around.

Pam was avoiding the topic that she wanted to think about the most. All weekend, she had practically forbid herself to think about it, about him. Any hint of remembering the one solid thing Pam had in her life, and the fact that she had broken his heart… well; it was just too much for Pam. This had definitely been an eventful weekend.

So here she was. Standing in front of the office, afraid to go inside.

You can face him, Pam mentored herself. Yes, things may be a bit awkward, but he's your best friend. You can get through this. Slowly break it to him that maybe, just maybe, you feel the same way. That you're done with Roy. That there may be another reason behind why you left him…

With a sudden burst of courage, she held her head up, pushed the door open, and walked inside. Without looking over at Jim's desk, she marched to her secretary desk, lay her things down, and took a seat. Only after settling herself comfortably, turning on her computer, and checking all the messages on the company phone, did she finally lift her head in the direction of Jim's desk.

She had her smile ready. The one she used on him, often. The smile that said so many things, but nothing at all. She couldn't know it, but every time she flashed that grin, Jim's heart hurt just a little bit more. She was prepared. It was already halfway on her face, when she allowed her eyes to make full contact with Jim's desk… which was… empty.

Odd. Of all the things Jim was, late was not one of them. Pam looked at the clock hanging on the wall. 9:30? This was not normal. "Come on, Jim, where are you?" she thought to herself.

It occurred to her that he was probably still pretty hurt over what she had done to him last week, so she decided she would understand if he didn't come in to work today. "Maybe I'll email him later, just to check up on him," she thought. Although, she was a bit disappointed. There was so much she had wanted, and planned, to say to Jim. "Oh well, I should probably give it some time." But apprehension was slowly taking over.

*****

A few hours later, Pam was getting quite restless. Jim had not shown up, and nobody seemed to really notice that he was gone. Even though she had promised herself she'd give him some leeway to deal with what had happened, Pam couldn't really help but be a little bit angry at Jim. There was so much she needed to figure out, and talking to him was probably one of the first things she ought to do. "Okay, if another hour goes by and I don't hear anything, I'm calling him," she promised her uneasy self.

Just then, Michael came out of his office with a silly smile on his face. Oh no, this could only mean one thing. A famous Michael Scott joke. Pam was not in the mood for this.

"Hey Pam," he snickered, "I just read the greatest joke on the internet."

Pam just stared at him, wincing inwardly and waiting for the moment to pass.

"Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?" he asked, holding in his laughter like an irresponsible 5-year-old.

Pam sighed. "Why, Michael?"

"Because his pecker is on his head!" Bursting out laughing, Michael seemed to be having the time of his life. Dwight ran over, and even though he probably didn't hear the joke, he started laughing just as hard as Michael.

On instinct, Pam looked over at Jim's desk and rolled her eyes, only to realize for about the fortieth time that day that he wasn't there.

"Okay, everybody," Michael announced, when the laughter eventually died down, "meeting in the conference room in fifteen minutes." When nobody seemed to acknowledge him, as usual, he nodded, as if they had heard every word, and began to walk back into his office.

"Hey, Michael?" Pam inquired. This wasn't going to go well, but she needed to know. "Um, do you know…? I-I mean, do you have any idea… um… where's Jim?" She had tried so hard to make it sound casual. Close, Pam, but no cigar.

A look of pity overcame Michael's face. "Aw, you didn't hear, did you? That's a shame."

Now Pam was confused. "Didn't hear what?"

"Jim's gone. He came by early this morning when no one was in the office. He packed up his stuff. Moved. To Stamford."

The world seemed to come to a screeching halt. Pam felt like her heart had dropped to the floor. "W-what?" It was all she could muster.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, honey. I know you guys had a thing. But, hey, you have Roy, right? Anyway, Pam, I need to fax this stupid letter to Corporate…"

Pam wasn't listening anymore. All the panic and fear that she had been holding back was finally coming out. Jim was… gone? She couldn't believe it. All of a sudden, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Michael was still talking about some stupid topic that had absolutely no meaning. "So, I'll fax it, okay?" Pam cut him off. After what seemed like a lifetime, he sauntered back into his office.

She had thought she could fix this. She believed there could be a way for them to work it out. To figure out what the hell it was that was going on between them. Pam just wanted to take this step with him. She just wanted Jim. But, as it turned out, she couldn't even have that.


	4. Chapter 4

She didn't think she could take this any longer.

Pam was, of course, referring to Michael's most recent stunt, trying to make a ridiculously complicated-looking (as well as crass) origami figure he had looked up online out of a Corporate Memo that Pam had just handed him.

"Ta-da!" Michael announced. Pam sighed for what seemed like the 30th time that day. What was supposed to be two people doing it looked more like… well, paper. Crumpled paper.

"That's great, Michael," Pam said without meaning it in the least.

She really didn't want to be one of those people who inflicted their current depressed state on others around them, she really didn't. But she was tired of putting on a smile every day, pretending that she was fine, just fine, and everything was going along smoothly, when in fact, it seemed to be just the opposite.

Two months, thirteen days, five hours, and counting. The whole "you'll get used to him being gone" and the "time will heal all wounds" spiel obviously wasn't working out for Pam. Of course, she had been given these various pep talks by her mother, and the few friends she trusted to tell her long and complicated story to. But no one seemed to understand. These things just didn't go away… And it didn't help her to continuously tell herself to snap out of it and get on with her life. It only made Pam miss him more. Was there nothing she could do? Well, she was beginning to see that she may have to face the awful truth. She would be one of those bitter old ladies that always seemed to have a stick up their ass because of some event in their life in which they regret not doing something they should have done when they had the chance… God. Like she had thought a few moments ago, she didn't think she could stand it any longer.

Jim was everything she wanted. Pam realized that now. Of course he was; he had been from the moment he first stepped into Dunder Mifflin. What drove her crazy was that, if he really was so perfect, why didn't he stay? Why didn't he fight for her? It was the only thing Pam could be mad at him for. But then she would imagine his floppy, brown hair that always fell sexily into his eyes. And his eyes… she could get lost in the emerald abyss that was Jim's eyes. His slightly-too-large, but all the more cute nose. The way she fit perfectly into his body during that everlasting, incredible kiss.

Damn it, Pam thought. There I go again. She had common sense. She knew that reveling in the past would not help her situation now. And how many times had she tried to talk herself out of feeling sorry for herself? "It was absolutely the right thing to do," she would coach herself. "You made the right choice. You are independent now." But being independent wasn't really all it was cracked up to be. She stayed up late every night feeling sorry for herself, watching sad movies and listening to sad music, all the while eating greasy food that couldn't be helping her situation.

Before she knew it, Pam was drifting off, the late night hours finally catching up to her. Putting her head on her desk, Pam promised herself to only lie there, and will herself not to fall asleep. But, as always, sleep came, and there was nothing Pam could do to stop it.

*******

In her dream, she was laughing. It felt weird. She hadn't laughed in the longest time. As Pam surveyed her surroundings, she realized she was on the roof of the Scranton Business Park, overlooking the residential area and local Cugino's. She was talking to Roy, while behind her, there were several people. It seemed as though there was a party happening on the roof. Everyone from the office was there. Pam saw Michael, making awkward small talk with Stanley and his wife, while Stanley stood there stone-faced. She observed Kevin and Oscar talking in the corner, probably about paper. She noticed Phyllis and Bob Vance laughing and holding hands like a young high school couple. She spotted Meredith, drinking a questionable liquid ferociously out of a paper cup. She glimpsed Kelly trying to kiss and hug Ryan, while he dodged her and told her to cut it out. She even made out Dwight, practicing his karate moves on an obviously uncomfortable Toby. But everywhere she looked, she didn't see Jim. Roy was talking, but it became a blur to her what he was saying, much like in real life. Pam suddenly became wholly consumed with finding Jim, as if he was her oxygen and she was quickly running out of breath. She excused herself from Roy, who immediately went over to Darryl and his other immature warehouse buddies. Frantically, Pam made her way through the throng of people, praying to catch a glimpse of the only person she really wanted to see. And then, as if conjuring him with her mind, he appeared.

Jim was exactly how she had remembered him. Casual work attire, relaxed posture, all the things that gave her subtle goose bumps.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him. He was sitting far away from everyone else, on one of the two lawn chairs that they had once occupied that one blissful night when Jim had made her a grilled cheese sandwich. They had sat up there, chatting and laughing naturally, as they watched Dwight's firework show in the distance. If fact, now she saw that he had two plates in his lap, with what could not be mistaken as grilled cheese sandwiches. And there was her lawn chair, set up next to him just as it had been that one night. Now, he smiled at her, patting the seat next to him, inviting her to sit down. The entire party seemed to melt away, and all that was left was Jim, the chairs, and the grilled cheese.

She made her way over to him slowly, not caring that Roy may be watching, or that anyone else may be watching either. All she wanted was Jim. When Pam finally reached the chair that awaited her, she sat down and took the sandwich from his hands. It didn't seem like there was any need for words. But then, Jim turned to her. He was no longer smiling. She recognized this face. He had only worn it once before, at Casino Night.

"Pam, I'm in love with you."

Her heart was pounding. She opened her mouth to answer, ready with a response she had rehearsed over and over again for so long. But when she tried to speak, nothing came out of her mouth. It was as if she was mute.

Jim looked confused. "Pam?"

She tried to scream, to tell him something, anything. But no words could be produced.

And then it happened. The thing that had haunted her most throughout this whole ordeal. Jim's face turned to the exact same one of disappointment and grief. A single tear rolled down his cheek, just like it had so many nights ago. "Goodbye, Pam."

"No!" she thought. "NO!" But she couldn't say a word.

"PAM!!" Kevin yelled.

"Huh?" Pam's head shot up from her desk the second Kevin had shouted her name. Her heart was beating furiously, and she felt the tears coming.

"Pam, I need you to fax this to corporate. It's our expense reports…" Kevin trailed off as he saw the terrified expression on Pam's face. "Uh, are you okay?" he asked hesitantly. Kevin had never really been one for sentiment.

"Um, yeah… Yeah, I'm fine." Just fine. Her voice was shaking. She felt the entire office's eyes on her.

She had relived her nightmare. Pam had had the chance to do over the biggest mistake she ever made, albeit a dream and she had failed. There was no way she could let him slip away from her. Not again. A surge of courage shot through her. Pam felt braver than she had in weeks.

Ignoring Kevin's outstretched hand with the folder in it, she got up from her chair, grabbed her cell phone, and walked quickly into the hall.

Pam quickly thumbed the numbers she knew so well into her cell phone and held it to her ear, waiting impatiently through the dial tone. "Come on, come on."

*Beep*. "The number you have dialed is not available now. Please leave a message." The automatic dial tone scared her. Pam didn't expect to get a message machine. She was about to end the call, she even had her thumb on the red button that would disconnect her. But then she changed her mind. When would she feel this confident again? How would she feel knowing that she had almost talked to Jim, but then chickened out at the last second. If there was anything Pam had learned in the past few months, it was that you needed to take advantage of what you had, and never take things for granted. It was quite cliché, she knew, but at this moment, she honestly didn't care.

*BEEP* Silence. Shit, this was the part where you say something.

Pam opened her mouth, willing herself to speak, and not have a repeat of what happened in her dream.

"Hey Jim, it's me. Uh, Pam." Idiot, she thought to herself. He knows who you are. She laughed nervously. "Um, I, well, I need to talk to you. It's pretty important. I know we haven't spoken in a while, and things may be a bit… different between us… But, um, I just, well, I miss you." Why not? She had already taken the biggest risk in calling him. "So, yeah. If you could call me back… Okay, see ya." She ended the call.

Shit, she cursed herself as the paranoia and anxiety set back in. "What the hell was that?" She reveled in her ridiculousness. "I should have said more. I didn't say enough. Maybe I should have told him I ended things with Roy. No, no, I should be telling him that in person." She fought with her exploding mind for a few more minutes, pacing quickly in the hall, before finally calming down. Pam then decided to look at things rationally. She had called him. The worst was over. Now all she had to do was wait for his call back. "Okay," she thought, and breathed a sigh of what was very close to relief. A few more minutes to further compose herself, and Pam walked back inside the office, for the first time in a long time, feeling calm and together. Wow, she thought. She had missed that feeling.


	5. Chapter 5

Jim was smiling. Why did the action seem so foreign to him? The muscles in his face seemed almost rusted, because of their lack of use. But, spending time away from her would do that to a man. Jim had been a tortured soul, and he realized now, as he laughed heartily with Karen, that it was definitely for the best that he had gotten out of there. Of course, the pain didn't seem to subside when he thought of the only woman he had ever really loved, but this slow, steady process of self-healing was helping him.

Jim and Karen enjoyed the last few minutes of their lunch break, reminiscing in their most recent prank on office brown-nose, Andy Bernard, which involved some arguing, competition, and an irritatingly hilarious squeaky chair. And for the first time in a long time, Jim realized something. He was getting his life back.

Karen had helped immensely with the process. Although she didn't know much about his Scranton-to-Stamford transfer, she nevertheless brought a hint of curves to the ends of Jim's mouth. Not to mention that a little bit of Karen reminded him of someone else… He tried not to think of these things. He tried to make himself see that Karen was genuinely a great girl, nothing like her, who had ripped his heart in half. And sometimes, he pulled it off. Sometimes he made himself see what he wanted to see: that he was getting over Pam, and falling for Karen. Sometimes his mind betrayed him and made comparisons between the girls. Sometimes he wished he could stop over thinking these things. Sometimes the word "sometimes" didn't even apply. Again, the phrase "tortured soul" came to mind.

He had been going over all these things while sitting with Karen in the break room, sharing a bag of Herr's chips, Karen's favorite. Jim looked up to see Karen looking at him. She had just asked a question.

"Sorry, what?" Jim replied, casually.

"I just asked what the reason was for your transfer here. You know, I've known you for a whole two months, and you've never told me."

"I got a promotion," Jim stated, point blank.

Karen gave him a look, as if to say she didn't believe that could have been the only reason. She had this great way of reading beyond Jim's facial expressions.

Uh-oh. The kiss of death. Jim started to panic. He really didn't want to lie to such a sweet girl. And he had realized that eventually, if he was reading Karen's innocent flirting right, he would have to indulge this information to her. But he just wasn't ready for the pain. And, God, what if he cried? Besides being the most embarrassing thing that could happen, it may drive Karen away, the one person who could slightly alleviate his suffering. And what was he supposed to say? _Well, this girl in Scranton broke my heart, and I had to leave because she was getting married, and it was a huge mess of things, and every time I saw her, my heart broke a little more, because I knew that I couldn't have her, and I realized that the only way to stop this obsession was to geographically remove myself from the area, which it turns out, hasn't really helped me so much, and even though it's not getting any worse, it's not getting any better…_No, he thought. So he decided to, not lie, but alter the truth.

"Oh, well, um…" He paused trying to find the right words, while Karen looked at him intently, with wondering eyes. "Things were changing, and um… well I didn't see a place for myself there if… things… wouldn't be the same." Jim laughed stupidly at himself. "That doesn't make any sense, does it?" he asked her.

Karen was watching him again with those inquisitive eyes. "You know, sometimes, I don't get you." She was just about to say more, when Josh, Stamford branch's regional manager, walked in.

"Hey, Jim, Karen, meeting in the conference room." Jim nodded his acknowledgment, and breathed an internal sigh of relief. Saved by the bell.

*******

After the meeting, Jim walked slowly over to his desk. As he sat down, he noticed that the light on his cell phone was blinking. Curiously, Jim picked it up and opened his phone. New voicemail, it read.

He listened. Stopped. Breathe was short. Nothing could be worse than this feeling. It all came rushing back to him: every bad feeling, every introspective moment, every single damn memory that reminded him of the beautiful disaster that had shattered him. It was as if he had never left. The hand that held his phone to his ear was shaking, and he could feel a headache coming on. He put the cell phone down on his desk. It read, CALL BACK?

It was the first time he had heard that voice, that melodious, stunning voice, in over two months. What was he supposed to do? That was what it boiled down to. If he called her, he would just be creating a recipe for disaster, hurt, and more pain. If he didn't call her, the exact same thing would happen, except he would have to add anxiety and insomnia to that list.

Jim yearned to feel anger, remorse, SOMETHING besides his normal disposition of not being able to blame anyone but himself for things that have happened. But he all felt was everything he didn't want to feel. Confusing emotions he hadn't yet been able to grasp, or ever would be, for that matter. So here he was again, with the same old story. No matter what, Jim needed to make a choice. He needed to decide whether to step over that line that he had drawn that separated him from her—oh hell, he might as well say her name, it's not like he could protect himself from it anymore—separated him from Pam and risk getting hurt again, or watch his life from behind this line, and tread along the boundaries, wondering what his life could have been. Either way, it seemed, Jim would lose something. His dignity, his heart. And, really, what else was there? So the question rose again. What the hell should he do?

Okay, he thought to himself. Okay. And suddenly, for the first time in what seemed like years, Jim's head was clear. He knew what he was going to do, hell, what he HAD to do. Moving his thumb to the keypad on his cell phone, he lingered for a second on the SEND button. Clear mind. Understanding came to him, full and complete. He swiftly removed his finger off the SEND button and did it. He pushed DELETE MESSAGE.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

She ached to hear his voice. She longed to stare at the right side of his beautiful face as she sat at reception and he sat at his desk. She wished more than anything that she could take back everything she had said that night. She had even called him. But she never got a response.

As Pam sat at the reception desk, way past the end of work, she couldn't help wondering, for the millionth time, what Jim was doing right now. Was he thinking about her? Had he moved on to another girl? The mere thought of another woman in his arms made her stomach turn.

She knew that the voicemail may have been too much. She knew that it would probably make him uncomfortable. But, amidst all this, she also knew the brain behind Jim Halpert, and she knew that it wasn't like him, at all, to not return the call. Maybe her message had freaked him out. With every day that passed by, she felt even worse when she checked her work phone, cell phone, and home phone for messages and found no sweet, rich, and gentle voice that belonged to the man that she…

"Night, Pam," Kevin said dismissively as he walked past, snapping Pam out of her reverie.

"Night." It was a half-hearted farewell, as usual, but everyone around the office had learned to expect that kind of communication from her now.

Michael came up to the semi-circle desk, wearing his coat. "What time is it?"

"20 past 5."

"AM or PM?"

Pam internally rolled her eyes. Michael's most recent exploit included a day of pretzels, sugar, loud music, and drooling. It had been a long day. "PM," she told him. Then she remembered the faxes. "Oh, these came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?" Michael still seemed a bit hazy from the sugar rush, so she reiterated. "This is a huge sale."

Michael stammered, "Yes. Right. Good." All while slowly inching toward the door. Honestly, Pam though, I can do his job better than he can…

With a final sigh, Pam realized that she couldn't hide out in this hellhole forever, and sooner or later, she'd have to go home and face an empty, quiet apartment. She gathered her things, and got up to leave.

When she was halfway to the door, the phone rang. Thinking she had nothing to lose, Pam stared at it for a moment, and then answered it.

"Dunder Mifflin."

"Uh, hey."

"Oh my god." Probably the stupidest thing she could say, but it was all she had. Was this real? Was it really him?

"Hi," Jim said awkwardly.

"Hi," Pam repeated, still at a loss for words. A million thoughts were rushing through her head. Nothing could have prepared her for this.

Jim gave some excuse about Kevin's extension, fantasy football, but Pam wasn't really listening. She was still overcoming the initial shock of hearing his voice. Get a grip on yourself, she yelled to her mind.

He had asked something. "Uh, sorry, what?"

"Why are you still there?"

**"**I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day." She was thinking quickly, trying to keep words coming out of her mouth so that she had a distraction from fainting.  
"Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?" Classic Jim. That little crack made her feel right at ease. She suddenly had a notion that he was right in front of her, leaning casually on the reception desk, smiling sexily at her, like he had done so many times. God, how Pam ached for him.  
"Yeah, totally." She smiled. Wow. It felt like those muscles were rusted, she hadn't done it in so long. Okay, come on, keep talking. "So..." she said.  
And then that awkward moment where they both spoke at the same time. Pam started, "Do you...", while Jim began, "So…"  
"Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead." Always the gentleman.  
Pam stammered to find words. "Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here."  
"Oh, good."  
But she didn't want to lie. "A little different…" In fact, it had been a lot different. She wanted to say so many things. Why did he go? How could he do this? Why hadn't he ever called her back? Why did he make her feel like an idiot? She chose something relatively simpler. "What time is it there?" Shit. As soon as she said it, she rebuked herself for it. Idiot.  
"What time is it here?" he said, jokingly. "Um, we're in the same time zone."  
"Oh, yeah. Right."  
"How far away did you think we were?"

The ultimate question. It had to be asked eventually. Even though he probably didn't mean it in that way, it needed to be addressed. So she answered in the best way she knew how. "I don't know. It felt far." It said so much, while saying so little. Pam commended herself.

"Yeah."

There was a pause. She could feel that he understood. A little moment passed, while they sat in a sort of comfortable silence. But it wasn't awkward anymore. Suddenly Jim broke the stillness.  
"I have a question for you."  
It sounded sincere. Pam knew the time would come when she would have to answer his questions. So she braced herself. "What?" she breathed.  
"How many words per minute does the average person type?"

There he was again, old Jim. Well, they could always save the sincere conversation for later. She decided to play along.  
"I type 90," Pam stated, proud of this small accomplishment in her pot of many failures.  
"Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90."  
"It's true."  
"Okay, well what's the average?"  
"70? How many do you type?"  
"Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it." She could tell he was being shy, and knew exactly what cute facial expression he was wearing so far away. There were a lot of little things she knew about him.  
"Come on. Tell me."  
"No."  
"You have to tell me now."  
"65. Okay, no need to laugh."  
As much as she wanted to mock him about it, she figured it was best for now to stay on the best terms possible. "No, that's… respectable."  
"Respectable?"

Soon, the conversation was flowing as easily as ever. Being in the office made Pam feel even more like he was really here. Time was passing quickly, and before she knew it, half an hour had gone by, and still, their discussion continued. Pam wanted nothing more than to keep talking to Jim, keep hearing his voice. It was all she had.

"So okay. I'm watching the movie, by myself..."  
"Right." He seemed to be hanging on her every word.  
"Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home..."  
"Okay."  
"And, I'm freaking out."  
"Yeah."  
"That movie is so scary!"  
"I know!"  
"But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up."  
"No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?"  
"Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box." It was a terrible plight that this Blockbuster constantly put her in.  
"No, you're making this up!"  
"Would I make that up?" she asked, challenging him.  
"Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories." Hmm, she thought. Fancy? Maybe so. She decided that she liked the nickname.  
"Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet."  
"And how many kitchens?"  
"I have one kitchen."  
"Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley. Most apartments these days have like three."  
"Three kitchens?"  
"Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?"

Suddenly, Ryan and Dwight walked into the office, startling Pam. They both went to their desks, with expressions of satisfaction on their faces.  
Confused, Pam asked, "Hey, Ryan, are you okay?"  
"Yeah. Yeah." He grinned. That was weird.  
"Pam?" Jim said into the phone.  
Speaking to Ryan, she said, "Um. Okay, bye."  
Listening into the phone again, Pam heard Jim say, "Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too," even though he sounded like he didn't.  
"No, I was um..." she tried to redeem herself, but couldn't find a quick explanation. So she gave in. "You have to go?"

And suddenly, it was awkward again. "Yeah, uh, well."  
Trying not to sound to clingy, Pam said, "No, I should probably go too."  
"Okay," he said, obviously trying to keep her on a little longer.  
"I mean… yeah." She didn't have anything left to say.  
"Yeah." He seemed to understand. "Bye Pam."  
"Bye Jim." And then she hung up the phone. And went home.


	7. Chapter 7

So he was actually coming back.

Pam felt as though her heart was so far into her stomach that she couldn't feel it anymore. From the second that Phyllis had slipped her the secret that Jim was returning to Scranton, Pam had just sat there, staring at an empty office, in some sort of trance. With everyone gone, she was able to think a little clearer.

"I'm fine. Just fine."

But she had been thinking so much, and saying so little, and now, Pam realized, now was her chance to get what she wanted. Now, he was coming back. Now, she would see him again every day. Now she could laugh effortlessly, and not forcefully. Now, she could say that she was fine, just fine, and _mean it_.

Euphoria. Perseverance. Elation. Joy. Rapture. Exhilaration. That and every other euphemism for the word 'happy' circulated around her brain.

*****

He was going to do it. Jim was really going to take back his old job. "You're really in for it this time, Halpert," he thought to himself. A few months ago, he probably would have abandoned his decent-paying Stamford job to move back to Scranton. He would have told Jan no way—politely, of course. He was, much to his own disgust sometimes, a gentleman.—and walked out of that office with the smallest ounce of dignity that he could salvage. But that was before he met Karen.

Jim really didn't know what was going to happen between him and Karen. Especially since he had a feeling she was only moving to Scranton for him. He liked Karen, he really did. She was basically perfect for him. There was just something missing… Something in her that wouldn't satisfy Jim. That was why, every time she showed a little affection toward him—wiping away a stray bread crumb after they had eaten lunch one day, or a hug at the end of work—he would shut down completely and push her away. Jim just didn't think he could go through with all that pain again. The feeling that he was so high in the air, and then having to fall face first into the cement was too much to handle, and twice in one lifetime could be emotionally scarring.

But he didn't want to think about that. He would have plenty of time to think about that later, when Scranton was tangible. Right now, Jim needed to worry about cleaning out his desk.

As Jim sifted through the assorted trash that had grown sizably in the few months that he had worked here, he smiled, looking at small objects that reminded him of some good times he had here. The opened pack of jell-o mix that he had used to play a classic joke on an unexpecting Andy. The paper with the list of phone numbers that he and Karen had dialed, searching desperately one day in attempts of finding a bag or Herr's potato chips. A shot glass… how that had gotten there?

"Wow, Jim thought to himself, I might actually miss this place a little bit."

Suddenly, he saw Karen come into the office.

"Hey!" she said, in a chipper voice. She had been in such a good mood since deciding to take the Scranton job.

Jim was happy she was coming. At least, that was what he kept telling himself. But every time he saw that happy smile, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt. Maybe it wouldn't be fair to Karen to let her follow Jim to another state, especially if he couldn't commit to an actual relationship with her. Then he would selfishly think that she wasn't coming for him, and that he had no emotional obligation to this woman.

But instead of revealing any of this to Karen, Jim put on his Stamford game face, smiled, and said, "Well, I'm all done packing, so I'm going to get out of here."

"Okay," she said, still smiling. "I'll see you later."

Jim felt guilty again, and tried to make it up to her by giving her a half-hearted high five. But a high five couldn't ever make up how when their palms hit each other, he wished more than anything in the world, that hers wasn't the hand that he was touching.

*****

When Merger day finally arrived, Pam had envisioned the moment when she and Jim would reunite that her brain had exhausted itself. She had worked out every detail. Every strand of hair had to be perfectly in place, every button buttoned, every Michael joke silenced before it could begin. NOTHING was going to ruin this day.

Pam set her alarm for a full hour earlier, so she could obtain all the items on Michael's demanding list. She also refused to go another day wearing her boring, monochromatic, button-up shirts. It was time to bring out the gorgeous sweater her mom had knit for her. She was saving it for a special occasion, and this was it.

She even dared herself to go a little further and wear make-up to work for the first time in years. Pam mentally prepared herself for the derogatory and probable misogynistic comments she would receive from various employees in the office. Oh well, she sighed to herself, it would be worth it if she got what she wanted. Jim.

*****

His heart was beating faster than it had when he would bike to work in Stamford. Stamford. It seemed to far away now, as Jim did up his tie and took a final look in the mirror.

He was searching for something. Perhaps he was looking at himself to find reassurance, that maybe he could possibly get through this day without a complete mental breakdown. Maybe he was looking to find a tiny piece of courage so that he could face the day making sure that everyone knew that he was alright.

He would have to do it all over again. He'd have to sit in that seat, stare at that computer, put up with Dwight. And yet, he didn't mind any of these inconsequential troubles, compared to the much larger, yet-to-be-solved problem that was going to once again sit five feet away from him.

******

Pam was growing restless. Two Stamford employees had walked in already, yet still no sign of Jim. She was practically bouncing up and down in her chair, trying as hard as she possibly could to suppress the excitement she felt.

The door opened. Pam straightened her back and looked eagerly as yet another first timer walked through the door. Not Jim. Pam slumped back into her chair.

Pam gave the girl who walked in a second look. Hmm, she thought, she looks nice enough. So she extended her hand in greeting, perhaps hoping to find someone to join her alliance of normalcy in this crazy office. "Hi, I'm Pam," she said with a genuine smile.

"Hey. I'm Karen. I love your sweater."

Pam did a mental victory dance, applauding herself on her clothing choice for the day. "Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me."

Karen seemed to show an interest in this. "Really? You know, I've always wanted to learn how to knit—"

Just then Michael came over and cut her off. Oh no, Pam thought. Here he goes again. He made some insulting joke, and *surprise surprise* nobody laughed but him. Though Pam felt sorry for the poor girl, she couldn't get her eyes off the door, willing it to open with her mind and praying to see Jim's face behind it.

And it did open. But Jim's wasn't the face that she saw. It was some guy named Andy Bernard. Damn it, she thought. Only two people left…

*****

"Pull yourself together," Jim thought, and he and Martin Nash got into the elevator of the Scranton Business Park. Martin was a nice enough guy, but his mouth wouldn't seem to close at the exact moment that Jim needed quiet and time to collect himself.

Frankly, Jim was relieved that he didn't have to enter the office alone, and that he would have another person next to him, making things less awkward. Jim had no idea what he was going to do or say to Pam when he saw her. The last time they had spoke, an unmentioned understanding had fallen between the two of them, and to see her again, after everything that had happened, after all the pain he—and probably she too—had been through, he wasn't sure if he wanted this. Second guessing himself had become second nature. But then he thought of Karen, and he hated to say it, but she was his safety. Jim mentally cringed as he realized that he was using Karen, but reassured himself that he did have feelings for her. He just didn't know what those feelings were.

They approached the door. "Dunder Mifflin Paper Co." Martin reached out his hand to pull open the door. This was it.

*****

Pam saw the door opened. This was it.


	8. Chapter 8

The door seemed to open in slow motion. Pam's heartbeat was not natural; she felt sure she would pass out if she did not see Jim's face.

She couldn't contain the look of excitement and happiness on her face when Jim came into the office. And honestly, she didn't care. Pam stood up to greet him, but of course, Michael got to him first.

"Uh-oh, get him out of here!" Michael yelled jokingly, shoving Jim with a playful fist. Jim gave the camera one of his classic faces, and Pam's heart melted just a little more.

Finally, Michael left Jim alone. This was Pam's chance. She ran to him, holding nothing back.

"Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here," he joked.

"Oh my god, it's really you." She hugged him, laughing in disbelief. After so long, she couldn't even describe how amazing it felt to once again be in his arms.

"I was just making a little joke —" Jim said, trying to spare them an awkward moment.

But she didn't care. And she made this very clear. "I know, I don't care."

Jim laughed and smiled that sexy smile. "The place looks great."

"It's really good to see you." Pam's cheeks hurt from smiling so big.

*****

"Damn it," Pam thought. Stupid Ryan and his stupid pride over that stupid desk. That was JIM'S desk. Jim had sat there since his first day. How would he and Pam be able to exchange awkward glances? And what about their classic air high fives? Instant messaging would mean nothing if Pam couldn't see the assorted smiles on Jim's face when she forwarded eccentric emoticons his way.

Oh well. She would have to make do with adoring the contours of the back of him neck. The way his perfect muscles accenting his perfect broad shoulders….

Pam quickly snapped out of this reverie. Jim had only been here an hour, and already Pam was acting like a giddy school girl with an insane crush. How long would it be until she started doodling "Mrs. Pam Halpert" all over the Dunder Mifflin faxes and files?

Suddenly Michael walked out of his office and announced, "Okay everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed into the conference room, or should I say, the banquet hall. For, drumroll, please… Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………

Oh poor, hopeless Michael.

"…. The official Merger Day all family breakfast! Come on in. Don't be shy."

As everybody filed into the conference room timidly, already doubting their inane boss, Pam saw this as the perfect chance.

She made sure she timed it perfectly so that she walked into the room at exactly the same time as Jim. She smiled at him again, and he smiled back. She may have been imaging it, but he seemed genuinely happy as well to be back at Scranton.

Jim and Pam sat next to each other. As Michael shot down Toby's idea of introducing everybody to the office with the orientation folder, Jim leaned over and whispered to Pam, "Oh, this looks promising."

"You won't be disappointed." Already, she was starting to feel like herself again.

Then, Pam saw a hand tap Jim on the shoulder. It was Karen. She handed him a stick of gum, and willingly, he accepted it.

"That was weird," Pam thought. But she tried not to let it bother her too much.

She didn't have a chance to think about it anyway, because suddenly Michael got that mischievous grin on his face, and Pam knew that this should be interesting. The words "Lazy Scranton" came on the screen. "Oh no," Pam thought. "Here we go."

*****

After the video, things seemed to go by pretty quickly. But every time Pam thought she had a chance to talk to Jim, Karen happened to be in her way. When Jim was looking through some files near the conference room, Pam was about to get up and ask Jim if he wanted to talk, but Jim started flirting—was it flirting?—with Karen. And the rest of the time, he was at his desk, busy with clients and important business salesman things.

Finally, she saw him get up and walk into the break room. Seeing that Karen was not following him, she jumped at the chance and practically chased after Jim into the room.

He was getting a soda from the vending machine.

"Hey," she said timorously.

"Hey," he said back.

She looked at the drink he had pulled out of the machine. It was water. Since when had Jim drunk water?

"Um, what happened to grape soda?"

"Oh yeah, I'm trying to move away from that. I'm getting into more of a bottled-water phase." He chuckled. Wow, Pam mused. He's changed.

But she didn't let any of this on. "Oh," she said, acting interested. Oh, why not? "You've changed so much." She said it almost sarcastically, but it came off as a bit more than that.

"Well, I'm evolving, Pam," he commented back.

She laughed, although she did not really find this conversation appealing. Pam tried to move away from that topic. "Um, so, when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked, or you want to grab a coffee or something, after work?" She got a little quiet at the end of the sentence, suddenly shy again.

"Oh, um, tonight, actually no," he stammered. "I'm still getting settled in."

"Oh yeah. No, you know, I mean, whenever." Pam was beginning to feel really uncomfortable.

Suddenly Michael walked in. "Oh crap," Pam thought.

Michael's eyes widened, obviously trying to make everyone feel uncomfortable. "Oooh, okay. Sorry to interrupt—"

Jim, in an effort to save some face, said "Nope, you're not interrupting anything."

Yet, still, Michael didn't take the hint. He nodded at Jim and gave him a perverted, boyish smile.

"No—" Jim tried again.

"Alright…" Michael walked out of the room.

Pam tried to force a laugh, maybe salvage some of Jim and her old times together when they made fun of the silly things Michael would say and do.

But, strangely, Jim didn't smile back. He just looked up at her and said "I should probably get back to work."

"Yeah, no, me too," Pam said, putting on her best fake smile.

"Alright." He left.

Pam stood there, facing the vending machines. What the hell was that? Where did her Jim go? This guy was anything but that fun-loving guy who took nothing but her seriously. She wanted him back. But she was beginning to feel like it was too late.

*****

The cameramen wanted to interview her. She didn't know if she could do it. Could she lie through her teeth?

"What has the day been like?" asked the impartial cameraman.

"The day's going fine. It's been… a little chaotic, but it's fine." There she went again, saying everything was fine. God, Pam thought, I could just cry right now. But, to reassure the camera, she reinstated, "It's great. A lot of distractions, but it's good."

Distraction was hardly the word for her. Karen seemed to be all over Jim, Pam couldn't help but notice. Jim never really made any serious moves on her, but he kept laughing and joking with her, like he used to with Pam.

At one point, Karen started making a fuss about a bad smell. Pam smiled internally, much to her own surprise. She was about to get it.

Phyllis automatically offered to help Karen find the smell. Soon enough, Karen realized her mistake. The smell was Phyllis. When the sweet, but terrible-smelling woman realized that she had been the subject of Karen's disgust, she gave Karen a short scolding. Karen's scared face seemed to lighten Pam's mood a little. She didn't like that she had such angry feelings toward the girl, but she was making obvious moves on Jim, and that was like stabbing Pam in the heart.

*****

Later on in the day, when Pam thought she couldn't take much more of this torture, Michael herded the office once again into the conference room, where he put on an interesting performance. When it was obvious that no one was finding his and Andy's dance moves very interesting, Michael had yet another brilliant idea.

Michael made Dwight drag the large table in the conference to the corner, where he put up five chairs and forced the new Scrantonians—except Jim—to get on the table. Some bull about how we are all equal. Things got rough because Tony, a man clearly self-conscious about his weight, wouldn't get on the table. Tensions escalated and Tony quit. Pam would probably have been a bit more interested, if she hadn't been consumed with thoughts of this "new Jim" that had appeared in the office.

Pam would sneak a few glances at Jim every now and then, and she was beginning to not recognize him. This was not her Jim. And she wanted him back.

*****

When Pam had had just about enough, Michael ran into the office, out of breath. Pam had been in the office so long, she did not even bother asking how he had gotten out of his office. It was just something you went along with after a while.

"Hey, everybody," Michael shouted, in between heavy breaths, "the guys from Vance Refrigeration have let the air out of all our tires. They punked us! They punked us good. Come on, come on!" When Dwight ran after him, Pam immediately detected a Michael scheme coming on, and glanced in Jim's direction, ready to make a joke about it with him while walking out into the parking lot. But, when she grabbed her coat, she saw that Karen had already beaten her to it. They were walking together, smiling and laughing. She tried her hardest not to let the disappointment show on her face as she walked out with Phyllis.

When they reached the parking lot, it was clear that Michael had planned this. He was all riled up, and this almost never happened, unless he was hatching a plot. Michael shouted, "All right. We've got to get them back. We need to steal their refrigerators."

"Yeah!" shouted Dwight, pumping him fist in the air.

Everyone seemed to believe Michael's lie, until Martin Nash pointed out that Michael's car was the only one who's tired had not been aired out. Angry and annoyed, everyone began walking back into the office. Pam was about to follow, when she once again saw Karen and Jim together, and they were seeming to share an intimate moment as she was rubbing his back. Pam could hardly contain her… what was this feeling? Jealousy? Wistfullness? Anger? All of them?

*****

When the miserable day had finally ended, Pam was more than grateful. Twenty four hours ago, she could hardly wait to see Jim and talk to him. But now, she kind of wished he hadn't come back. Or had, but that he was the same person he was when he left. This new Jim seemed to be putting up a front. She understood that he may have been holding back all day because of what had happened that last night that she saw him. But it didn't mean that he had to neglect her completely. He didn't even joke around anymore.

While Jim had been working, Pam would scrutinize the back of his neck, and wonder incessantly why he wouldn't go into the kitchen and freeze Dwight's lunch, or get up to come talk to her at the reception desk. He didn't log on to his instant messenger all day, and Pam received no cute emails from him, not that she had been checking every 15 minutes.

It was 5:00 on the dot. Jim had just left, and Karen about 20 minutes before him. Wanting to avoid any contact with a human, Pam had waited until most of the office had cleared out. She then grabbed her bag and jacket, logged off her computer, and walked out the door.

Maybe it had just been a bad first day. Maybe Jim was still Jim, he had just lost himself a little along the way. Maybe being back in Scranton would turn him back into that easy going guy that Pam had loved. Yes, loved. But now, as she was becoming increasingly aware of the fact that, every time that statement ran through her head, it was in the past tense.

Pam walked out of the office slowly, hugging herself to fight away the cold. In the parking lot, she spotted her car and thought that if she could just get to it, she'd be safe. She could go home and drown her sorrows in a big bowl of ice cream.

And then she saw Jim.

He was talking and laughing into his cell phone, probably to Karen. Not wanting to deal with him at the moment, Pam began to walk a little faster. But it was too late. He saw her.

"Hey," he said, coming out of his car and hanging up his phone.

Pam looked up, pretending that she had not yet noticed him. "Hey," she said, a little too brightly.

"I thought you had already… left." Jim seemed to dote on the last word, like there was some hidden meaning behind it.

"Uh, no," she tried to explain. "I just had some stuff to finish. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today." How did he always have the power to soften her up? So she had been right. His behavior had nothing to do with him.

Trying to seem like it hadn't bothered her, Pam asked, "What do you mean?"

Jim paused. He looked at her for a minute, then scratched his nose. "I just think I should tell you that I've sort of started seeing someone."

"Oh." Pam smiled, even though she thought that after today she could bury this fake grin and replace it with a real one. "That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want."

Jim looked at her, confused. "O-okay…. Good." He laughed awkwardly.

Then she gave him the line that even hurt her a little. "We're friends. We'll always be friends."

He looked at her for a second more. "Right," he said. He looked like he was giving up. Like she wasn't worth the fight.

"It's, uh, it's good to have you back." Pam stated this half-heartedly and began walking again to her car.

"Yeah, good to be back."

Pam felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Much like, she thought, Jim must have felt when he walked away from her so many months ago. She couldn't believe it. After all this time, after all her dreams, her hypothetical situations, and her hopes that she would finally be able to have the only thing she ever wanted, this was what she got. How could she have allowed things to fall apart like this? She should have just been with him when things were simpler.

Well, one thing was clear. If she was going to be in this situation, seeing Jim and his quite obvious girlfriend, it was a grand blessing from God that "stupid" Ryan had forced Jim to move seats. For once, the heavens were smiling upon her, having placed Jim strategically so that she wouldn't have to look at his face every time she looked up. It would hurt too much. Luckily, she would only have to worry about his neck, and how, even that would be a challenge to bear.

It seemed like Pam's life was, once again, falling apart.


	9. Chapter 9

It was Jim's first day at Dunder Mifflin. Aside from being nervous as hell, he was extremely grateful that he had gotten this job. Of course, it would only be temporary, but it was quite hard to find a job around Scranton that accepted him with his measly business degree. Jim had scoured the internet in its entirety; he was sure, searching for something, anything that would pay the rent. He couldn't help but blame his father for this. It was dear old dad that had wanted Jim to follow in the family footsteps and go to business school. Jim, though never quite sure he was interested in anything else, still believed that if he had been given a chance to absorb other careers as options, he may have found something he could truly have taken an interest in. Instead, he would be stuck working 9 to 5 in a dreary office.

Jim thought all this while driving his car to his new job. When finally arriving at the monotone Scranton Business Park, Jim sighed, accepted his fate, and got out of the car. One thing was for sure. This "job" would certainly not be his career. He vowed to himself that he would not make this permanent. With that, he walked inside.

After riding the elevator up to the second floor, he located the door with the logo on it. "Dunder Mifflin Paper Co.", it read. "Oh, lighten up," Jim told himself. "It's not like this is your future. You just need some stability, and then we'll work on the rest." He couldn't believe it, but he was actually kind of nervous.

"Okay," Jim said out loud. He opened the door.

*****

She was the first thing he saw. Like an angel sent from heaven, she sat there behind that semi-circle desk, turned her head, and gave him a relaxed smile. Jim's legs almost turned to jelly. He didn't think he could make the two foot walk from the door to her desk. Miraculously, he made it without falling, but was speechless at her beauty.

"Hi, can I help you?" Her voice was just as angelic as her extravagant features. Jim didn't trust himself to speak. He thought his voice might crack. But after just staring at her for a minute, he realized how idiotic he must have looked and cleared his throat.

"Um, yeah, I'm uh, Jim Halpert. I'm the new guy." He gave a light laugh, trying to keep cool but his heart was pounding internally. God, she was beautiful.

Her face lit up. "Oh, great!" Her smile was so warm and friendly. "Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. Trust me, you're going to LOVE it here," she said. Jim thought he detected a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but decided to dismiss it. It was probably just his nerves. "I'm Pam, by the way. Pam Beesly. I'm the secretary." She laughed, showing off her desk like Vanna White.

He just stared at her, dumbfounded. What the hell was wrong with him? He had never acted like this in front of a girl, and he had seen many pretty ones. None, though, that compared to Pam. "Speak," he commanded himself. "Nice to meet you." He shook her hand gently, trying to act as casual as possible, and smiled.

"Okay, well let me show you to your desk." She got up from her uncomfortable looking chair, walked around to the front of the desk, and stopped. Then she whispered to him. She spoke slowly, and with complete sincerity in her voice. "Oh, one more thing. Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate, Dwight."

Jim thought she was kidding for a second, but she looked absolutely serious. Then the sides of her mouth curled into a small smile as she said, "Follow me."

He was in love.

*****

It was going to be another dreary day at the office, Pam thought. She hadn't been here that long, but what with Michael's antics, and Dwight following him all the time, the clock seemed to freeze completely for hours at a time. She had been so grateful to Roy for getting her this job. God knew that the two of them would need the extra income when they got married. But sitting at that receptionist desk for seven to eight hours everyday was beginning to get quite tedious.

Luckily, she had recently established a partner in crime, someone to distract her from the dull and tedious happenings inside the office. Jim was like a blessing sent from God. His blasé attitude was exactly what she needed sometimes. He had made her smile. That never happened here.

Pam realized that some people, when looking at her and Jim's new, but friendly relationship, would think that something were going on between the two of them. After all, Jim was, in one word, gorgeous. His twinkling blue eyes lit up his face. His slightly large, but very cute nose accentuated his features. And his sexy smile, one that he oddly only gave to Pam, made her melt every time. Pam also realized that to the casual observer, it may have looked wrong that she constantly flirted with Jim in the office, since she was engaged. But she and Jim were truly just friends. That was it. Pam saw it as an act of maturity to befriend another male. Plus, she really didn't have any feelings for him. And Roy didn't seem to mind at all. He thought Jim was gay.

Pam had been pondering this while she sat at her desk, typing up a final draft of an email Michael wanted sent to the corporate office. She looked up to see Jim staring at her. She smiled at him, turned to her computer and clicked on his name on their instant messaging system.

She typed…

Pbeesly: What?

Jhalpert: Nothing. I was looking at the picture behind you. 

Pbeesly: I don't buy it.

She watched him as he smiled.

Jhalpert: Lunch in the conference room?

Pbeesly: Can't. I've got a lot of Michael's busy work to clean up. And plus, I've got my lunch right here!

She watched him raise his head, and she lifted up the mixed berry yogurt and plastic spoon she had placed on her desk earlier that day.

Jim stood up from his desk, and walked over to Pam's. She was confused. Why didn't he just type what he wanted to say?

He casually rested his elbows on the desk, looked at Pam, and smiled. He said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired." He smiled his sexy, crooked smile once again. Pam's heart started pounding. But she showed no sudden change in her feelings.

"Oh," she said casually, "I must not have seen it." She hadn't seen it. She hadn't seen anything until this moment. She must have been blind not to.

She was in love.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

No. She wouldn't allow this. She had made too many mistakes with Jim to allow another one to just… happen. It was then that her vocal chords seemed to have a mind of their own.

"Wait."

She stopped in her tracks and turned around. Pam walked away from her car, and toward him. Jim had heard her, and he turned around too. "Yeah?"

"How could you do this?" She had no idea where this was coming from, but she wasn't going to stop here.

"What?" Jim looked confused again.

"How could you? How could you come back here, getting my hopes up, making me think that things were actually going to get better, and then, well, and then you came back. And nothing makes sense anymore! I mean, you've barely said a word to me all day. After everything that's, you know… happened, we should at least be able to talk about it. And you can't even do that? Why do you keep pushing me away? This isn't you, Jim. You've let Stamford take over you." She took a breath. This was not her. But it felt so good to not be soft-spoken for once. It felt right to be able to share her feelings for the first time in a long time.

Jim just stared at her.

"Oh, yeah, just stand there. Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Just leave me, like last time."

That triggered something in Jim. He said softly, "Hey, that's not fair."

"What's not fair, Jim? The fact that you are one person one minute, and then you leave without any note, any explanation, and you come back, and you're completely different? How about the fact that you won't even answer my phone calls? Or talk to me about this?" She knew she was rambling, and that she probably sounded like an idiot, but she couldn't stop.

"I did what I had to do. You made your choice. You chose… him." He couldn't say the name. It still hurt him too much.

"Yeah, I chose him. I did. But I can't believe that you let that control you. I don't understand why you thought leaving would be the right thing to do. I've been miserable! I can't sleep. I can't eat. Nothing affects me anymore. It's really hard to—" Pam stopped, because Jim had mumbled something. "What?" she said.

"I said, now you know how it feels." He was almost glaring at her. Pam had never seen Jim this angry, and it scared her. But she wasn't backing down.

"Okay, yes, I get it. I hurt you. I know that. I understand it. I've accepted it. But I don't think you have, Jim. I think you're hiding from all this because you don't want to get hurt again. Going to Stamford was your safety. I get that. But you've used up your chance to escape. Now you need to face reality."

Jim spoke a little louder than before. "This is my reality." His eyes burned with intensity.

"What are you talking about?"

"I've moved on. That's the reality. Pam, I'm with Karen. That's it."

His words felt like she was being ripped apart. "Jim," she said weakly, with tears in her eyes, "Talk to me."

Pam searched his eyes, trying to find something familiar in them. She felt a small stab of what used to be there. But that was the past. It was too late for this.

"I'm sorry, Pam." He walked away.

*****

Pam woke up, sweating. She realized that she had been crying in her sleep. Her pillow was soaked, and so was her face. For a minute, she sat there, coming to terms with that terribly vivid dream she had just experienced. While most of her dreams were forgotten as soon as she woke, this one continued to haunt Pam for hours, as she sat in her bed, softly crying. She had been having this dream for almost a month now. Ever since Jim had come back, her dreams had been tainted with his beautiful, torturing face.

She was trying to understand why she had said all those things. Why had she been so unfair to him? Why had he been so cold and unfamiliar? And finally, why had she accused him of hurting her, leaving her alone and unhappy, when she had done the exact same thing to him?

*****

The next morning, Pam woke up to her alarm's beeps. She debated staying in bed, perhaps calling in sick from work, but realized that she had a whole list of things to do at work, and if she didn't finish them today, she may have to come in on the weekend. Also, Michael was coming back from his trip to Jamaica today, and whenever Michael returned from a long trip, there would surely be some sort of mess that Pam needed to clean up. So she got up, and walked into the bathroom. She did a quick double-take at her face, still tear stained. Also, her eyes were quite puffy. But, make-up wasn't on Pam's must-have list any longer. So she sighed at the image staring back at her, brushed her teeth, and got ready to leave.

Upon arriving at work, Pam pulled into the driveway, just as she saw Karen park her car a few spots away. Really not wanting to talk to her, Pam sat in her car for a few extra minutes, hoping that Karen hadn't seen her. When the coast was clear, Pam got out of the car and walked into the building.

She sat at her desk just in time to see Jim kiss Karen hello. Perfect. This would definitely be a long day. But then, Pam noticed something. When Jim tried to kiss Karen on the lips, she moved her head away, leaving Jim to kiss her on the cheek. Weird. Maybe they were fighting. Not surprisingly, Pam took pleasure in this notion.

As the day went on, Pam started noticing that Karen really was giving Jim the cold shoulder. During Michael's pow wow meeting on how to turn the office into a Jamaican themed luau, Jim had saved a seat for Karen. But when she walked in and clearly saw the empty chair next to him, she deliberately walked past him and sat down on the other side of the conference room. Something was definitely up.

When Pam was back at her desk, she heard a ding. New email. She opened her inbox, and found an email from Ryan. It had been forwarded to almost the entire office. Strange. She opened it, and almost laughed out loud. Staring at her was a picture of Michael standing over a sun-tanned Jan lying on a beach chair, with a Sandals, Jamaica sign right behind them. By instinct, she looked up to laugh about this with her friend. But he wasn't there.

Later in the day, Pam's lack of sleep all those nights started catching up to her, and her eyelids became quite heavy as she stared at her computer. Coffee, she decided, would be the best antidote.

When she walked into the break room, her heart sank as she saw the only person sitting in there was who else, but Jim Halpert. She couldn't turn around now, he had already seen her. So she sighed, and walked in, heading straight for the coffee pot. Not wanting to act completely bitchy, she put on that fake smile that she had mastered. "Hey," she said happily. Even Pam herself was surprised at how well she covered up her hate, anger, and sadness.

"Hey." He didn't look at her, just sat there at stared at the wall.

Damn it, she thought. Curiosity was getting the better of her. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Again, no emotion. Jim stoically drank his coffee.

"Are you sure?" Pam was genuinely concerned. All feelings aside, she could never throw away the protection she felt of Jim, like it was her job to help him. After all, they were "just friends". And this was what friends did.

"Yes." He gave a small laugh, trying to show that he really was alright. But Pam knew him better than that. She looked at him quizzically, as though she didn't buy what he was saying.

Jim gave in. "I'm just, uh, in this, like, stupid fight with Karen." He raised his eyebrows, like it was no big deal.

"Oh. You… wanna talk about it?" Pam knew, in the back of her mind that this was probably the last thing she should say to him, but she had a tendency to not listen to the tiny voice.

Jim looked up at her, confused. "Really?" he said doubtfully.

Pam raised her eyebrows back, as if to say, that's what friends are for. She sat down next to him. "Shoot," she said, with the friendliest voice she could muster up.

So he told her. He said that Karen was still living in her hotel room, and that an apartment had opened up about two blocks from his own. He told Pam how he would feel uncomfortable living so close to her. It would be like they had moved in together. "So, I don't know. I just feel like we've dating about a month, right? Same street? I feel like that'd be a little bit too close. A bit much. You know?"

Pam sat there, nodded her head, trying to show Jim that she was listening, and that she understood. Honestly, she thought Jim was being ridiculous. Karen wouldn't be at his house 24/7. And since when was Jim Halpert afraid of commitment? But she didn't want to so quickly destroy the most conversation she had had with him in over a month. So she just said, "Hmm."

He looked at her. "Hmm, what?"

Why not? After this talk, they would probably go back to not speaking anyway. And there was nothing she could do to prevent him and Karen from being together. The nice side of her was taking over. So, in the gentlest terms she could put it, she told him, "How far away does she live now, like 10 minutes?"

He got the point. "Yeah, I guess."

Ugh, she hated that she was doing this. "Honestly, I think you should go easy on her."

"You're probably right." He scratched his chin, and they were silent for a minute. "Hey," he said sincerely, looking up at her, "thanks, a lot."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which was what I was doing."

Jim laughed. Pam celebrated internally. She missed that feeling. Then she thought of something else. "Oh! Also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan."

"Yeah, how have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping?"

They both cracked up.

When the camera crew asked her if she had felt weird helping Jim, she lied through her teeth, right to the camera. "No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I… help Phylliss all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair." Pam realized while she was saying it that it sounded ridiculous. "So, yeah."

*****

When Michael had the wonderful idea that the office do inventory in the warehouse, Pam was actually glad. She would give anything to get out of that uncomfortable chair. Not to mention the fact that she was feeling pretty good about herself. She thought that maybe, just maybe, she had gotten Jim's trust back.

While she was sticking some boxes onto a storage shelf, she saw Karen coming towards her, smiling. Oh no, Pam thought.

"I think I owe you one," Karen said.

"Sorry?" Pam asked, even though she knew exactly what Karen was talking about.

"For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing."

"Oh," Pam smiled stupidly, "yeah, no, don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous."

"Yeah," Karen agreed. Pam hated that they had agreed on something. "But thanks. Seriously."

Suddenly, it hit her. Pam realized what she had done. She had brought together what would have eventually ended if she had just left well enough alone. She had just contributed to Jim and Karen being together. Pam felt sick. But to Karen, she said, "Sure."

As soon as Karen walked away, Pam made sure no one was looking, and left the warehouse. With everything in her power, she tried to hold back the tears that she knew were coming. Finally, she reached the top of the stairs, and turned the corner, when she let out a loud sob. Finding the nearest bench, she sat down and started to cry.

What had she done? If there had been any hope at all of Jim and Karen breaking up, it was now lost. And it was all thanks to Pam. Why did she have to be so damn nice? This sent a fresh wave of sobs through her. Pam was shaking, she was crying so hard.

She sat there for minutes on end, feeling dejected. Finally, she heard a noise in front of her. She looked up, scared that it might be Jim. But no, it was only Dwight.

"Who did this to you?" he asked, always the paranoid one. "Where is he?"

"What? No, it's not—It's nothing."

Pam looked down at the floor, while Dwight just stood there for a minute. Then she saw him take off his jacket. She looked up at him.

"It's hot in here," Dwight said.

"Yeah."

He pulled out a handkerchief and gave it to Pam. She wondered why he was being so nice, but took it anyway. "Thanks."

Then Dwight sat down next to her. This was getting a bit uncomfortable. "Y-you don't need to stay here," she said between sniffs.

"I know." Then he put his arm around her. This sent her to start crying again, probably harder than before.

They sat there together for a while, as Pam let out her problems silently. Dwight said, "So, you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"

Classic Dwight. It was like he was trying to make her cry. They sat there together for a while, as Pam let out her problems silently. When she finally stopped crying, she got up, smoothed out her skirt, and looked at Dwight.

"So, you're okay, then?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah. Thanks." She meant it.

Dwight just nodded. He stood up, and walked away. Pam didn't know what that was, but she had needed it, and was glad it had been Dwight that found her, and not anyone else. Pam sighed, and started walking to the bathroom to clean up her disheveled face.

It was almost the end of the day. Almost time for her to go home and drown her sorrows in a nice, hot bath. Pam sat down at a table and stared at the blown up picture of Michael and Jan that had, earlier in the day, been so funny. She sipped her fifth cup of coffee for the day, just staring at the picture.

Suddenly, she heard a voice next to her.

"Hey." It was Roy. She hadn't noticed him sit down, and was surprised to see him. He had a strange smile on his face. "Remember when we were planning our honeymoon, and you wanted to go to Hawaii, and I wanted to go to Mexico?"

"Yeah," Pam said weakly. She furrowed her brow, wondering where he was going with this.

"I was definitely right."

Pam laughed. It was the strangest thing. But then, Roy always did know how to take her mind off things. They laughed together. Even though they were over, Roy would always have a place in Pam's heart. And that was more than she could say for Jim at the moment.


End file.
